


nevertheless too sensible of my defects

by notkai



Series: rotting in rarepair hell (to be renamed at a later date) [3]
Category: Legacies (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Depersonalization, Dissociation, Drinking, Established Relationship, Internalized Aphobia, Lack of Communication, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Underage Drinking, it will be resolved in the second chapter, lack of boundaries, relationship drama, this sounds like a lot but fret not
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-02-13 11:16:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21493405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notkai/pseuds/notkai
Summary: There's something that Kaleb has never told MG.[Takes place prior to 2x01. Please read the author notes for potentially triggering content].
Relationships: Alaric Saltzman & Kaleb Hawkins, Milton "MG" Greasley/Kaleb Hawkins
Series: rotting in rarepair hell (to be renamed at a later date) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1330538
Comments: 9
Kudos: 17





	nevertheless too sensible of my defects

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while since I updated this series! I actually started writing a third installment earlier this year, but the concept wasn't sitting right with me, and I had to put it on the back burner while I generated new ideas. I'm much, much happier with how this one came out. 
> 
> Per the description, there are potentially triggering elements in this fic. I'll outline them the best I can without spoiling:
> 
> 1\. Anxiety and panic attacks are discussed briefly. It is implied that one character has a panic attack. Elements of dissociation are also present.   
2\. Asexuality and self-hating/internalized aphobia is present for much of this fic.   
3\. There is a very brief moment of non-consensual, non-sexual contact. This is because of a lack of clear communication and boundaries. There is no sexual noncon or dubcon.   
4\. There is no explicit sexual content, and no implicit sexual content. Sex is discussed in the abstract sense.   
5\. A character is drunk for much of this chapter. 
> 
> Please, if any of these topics are triggering, proceed with caution.

Sex wasn't something that Kaleb had much interest in. 

He knew that a guy nearing his twenties should be infinitely more interested in sex than Kaleb was. He'd had sex before, but it was the shitty we-have-no-idea-what-we're-doing sort of sex that dumbass teens had, so he didn't really count it. And while he was able to appreciate physical beauty and the like, Kaleb had never felt compelled to hop into bed with someone. With _anyone._

And that hadn't been an issue prior to MG. Prior to MG, Kaleb could mollify himself with the idea that he was waiting for marriage. Waiting for the right time. Waiting for the right person. He could tell himself that there was nothing wrong with not wanting to fuck around, quite literally, and that he just had other priorities. 

But then MG happened. His gorgeous, wonderful nerd of a boyfriend entered his life and suddenly Kaleb found his excuses no longer worked. Marriage wasn't something Kaleb put any weight into at all, and Kaleb loved MG with all his undead heart. Times presented themselves over and over again- any time they were alone, Kaleb was acutely aware that MG might initiate something a little more physical, and that Kaleb would have no way to say no without insulting his boyfriend and prompting questions that he wasn't ready to answer. 

Because the reality was that Kaleb didn't know _why_ he was like this. He knew that something was amiss. Guys were supposed to want sex. People in _relationships _were supposed to have sex. People were supposed to get turned on by their partners. So why the fuck wasn't it happening for him? 

MG, bless his heart, seemed very aware of _it. _There were times when he would get a little more handsy than normal, times when he would slip his hands under Kaleb's shirt and let his fingertips drag down his sides, but he always picked up on Kaleb's lack of enthusiasm or receptiveness. And he always stopped without comment, and he never seemed upset or offended by it. 

And each time it happened, something in Kaleb twisted and withered. 

Kaleb hated it. He hated knowing something was wrong with him, but not being able to name it or fix it. He hated knowing how this must be impacting his boyfriend- sure, MG didn't _seem_ to care about the fact that they'd never been sexually intimate, but didn't everyone want sex? MG was probably being polite about it. But surely, surely it was bothering him as much as it was bothering Kaleb. 

But Kaleb was able to repress it most of the time. He was able to lock away the simmering anxiety about not wanting to fuck anyone and focus on other things. And it was a great help that MG never pressed the issue, if he was even aware of it. 

That changed on a Friday night when MG had gone out with a couple friends and a fake ID. Kaleb would normally be leading the pack, but he had an online assignment with an 11:59 PM deadline, and he had waited until late in the afternoon to start it. He had just submitted the thing when his phone buzzed. 

[from: mg <33]: bABE 

[from: mg <33]: can u come pjck me up 

[from: mg <33]: our dd left likean hr ago

[to: mg <33]: why didn't you leave then as well?

[from: mg <33]: bc i wanted to fuckin PARTy 

[to: mg <33]: it sounds like you did lmao

[to: mg <33]: i'll see if dr. s will let me take the keys to the van. if not, you'll be at the mercy of an uber

[from: mg <33]: praying 4 u 

Kaleb chuckled and slid his phone into his pocket, then left to go track down Dr. Saltzman. A few months ago, Kaleb had offered to drive into town to pick Lizzie and Josie up from a concert they had gone to, since Dr. Saltzman had gotten caught up helping a student who was having a mental breakdown over finals. It was only a ten minute drive, and neither Josie nor Lizzie seemed to mind, but Dr. S seemed to trust Kaleb a bit more after that. He was hoping it was enough to secure him the van's keys for the night. Or at least a sliver of it. 

He found Dr. Saltzman in his office and knocked on the door frame before entering. Dr. Saltzman looked a bit surprised to see a student in his office at nearly nine at night, but Kaleb wasn't deterred. "Kaleb, what can I help you with?" Dr. Saltzman asked, setting down the old tome he had been reading from. 

"MG is downtown with some friends, and their ride ditched. I was wondering if I could borrow the van to go pick him up." It was enough of the truth, but Kaleb was still hoping Dr. Saltzman didn't press for details. 

Dr. Saltzman gave Kaleb an appraising look, and Kaleb knew he saw right through the flimsy explanation he had offered. "So long as nobody vomits in it or spills anything, I suppose it's alright." He rooted around in one of his desk drawers for a bit before procuring a lanyard with a set of car keys at the end of it. "And be mindful of where you park. We don't need some sort of controversy over our school's van being seen parked outside a strip club or anything." 

Kaleb nearly snorted at that; as far as he knew, Mystic Falls barely had a nightclub, much less a strip club. But just nodded and accepted the keys. "No worries, I'll have him walk to a library or something first. Thank you, though." 

"Drive safe. If you're not back in half an hour, I'm sending the cavalry after you." 

"Yeah, yeah, I'll do my best."

-

As promised, Kaleb had MG walk a couple doors down to the supermarket and had him wait there. Thankfully, the rest of his friends had scared up rides of their own, so Kaleb didn't have to worry about dealing with a van full of drunk teens. And MG certainly was drunk- he wasn't staggering or stumbling about when Kaleb found him, no, but he had an inebriated light in his eyes and a mischievous grin on his face. 

Kaleb pulled up and leaned over to unlock the passenger door. "You look like you had a good time."

"I did," MG agreed with that same dorky grin as he climbed into the car. He had enough motor control to buckle himself in and adjust the seat, so Kaleb counted that as a win. "You should come out with us next time. You would like that bar!"

Kaleb made a noncommittal humming noise. He would have a beer every now and again, but he wasn't one for drinking. Even so, he knew the infectious energy of bars and clubs appealed to people beyond just those looking to get sloshed. "Maybe. We've gotta head back now, though. Dr. S'll kick my ass if we aren't back soon."

"Are you sure we don't have a few minutes?"

Kaleb recognized the change in MG's tone immediately. It made his heart skip a beat, but not in a pleasant way. MG leaned across the center console and kissed Kaleb's cheek, then continued to kiss a line down his jaw. "Kaleb.."

Kaleb swallowed hard. For a moment, he felt absolutely frozen. Another car pulled into the parking lot, and the momentary flash of headlights in his eyes snapped him out of it. "MG," Kaleb said, making his voice as stern as he could. "We're in a public parking lot. We're not doing _anything_ here." 

"Nothing at all?" MG whined. His voice still had that sultry tone, and he was leaning over the center console enough that he was practically in Kaleb's lap. Kaleb could smell alcohol on his breath and felt the heat of his body. Even so, he leaned back and adjusted his seat belt again. "Alright, let's head back then."

Kaleb nodded mutely and put the keys in the ignition. MG's hand crept over the console to rest on Kaleb's thigh as he drove, and Kaleb couldn't find it in himself to move it away. 

-

Kaleb was back within the promised thirty-minute window, and he returned the keys to Dr. Saltzman while MG waited impatiently outside the office. He all but latched onto Kaleb when he came back out, grabbing his hand and dragging him to his bedroom. Kaleb protested weakly the whole time, telling MG he needed to finish an assignment or he was tired or not feeling well, but MG didn't seem to be listening. 

MG ushered Kaleb into his bedroom, shut and locked the door, and was on Kaleb the second the lock clicked. The kiss was loose and eager and a bit messy, but Kaleb didn't mind. He didn't mind that MG tasted like a long island iced tea, and he didn't mind that MG had wrapped his arms around his waist. That was all perfectly fine, even if MG was making tiny breathy noises that were _nearly _moans. 

Kaleb loved kissing MG. And if that was all this was, he would happily spend the night in MG's room and keep it up until the sun rose. For a moment, he relaxed, winding his own arms around MG and pulling him a bit closer. 

And then MG's hands slipped under his shirt. 

Immediately, Kaleb froze. He suddenly felt unable to move, unable to speak, unable to breathe. MG's lips were still on his, but he was no longer returning the kiss. He was frozen in place. 

MG, perceptive even when drunk, noticed immediately. He took a half-step back. His hands were still on Kaleb's skin, but his voice was no longer lusting and inebriated when he spoke. "Kaleb?" 

Oh god, oh fuck. What was he meant to say now? 

Kaleb had worked so fucking hard to convince MG that he was normal and functional. He had done everything in his power to convince himself that eventually he would have to sleep with MG and that would be perfectly fine, because that's what couples did. That's what _normal fucking people_ did. And deep down, he was absolutely terrified that MG would leave him for someone who _could_ actually be normal, who _could_ have sex with him. He had done so well hiding that fear and hiding his _aversion_ until now, 

"Kaleb?" MG had taken another step back, fully disconnected from Kaleb now. Despite how close he still was, Kaleb felt like he was a hundred miles away. His voice sounded distant when he spoke again. "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

Wrong. Wrong. Something was wrong with him. But Kaleb couldn't say that. He couldn't explain to MG that part of him was broken, because then MG would leave him for someone who wasn't broken and that would tear Kaleb apart. 

"Kaleb, what's going on?" MG repeated, firmer and louder this time. His eyes were hardened with worry, with anxiety. Kaleb knew how anxious MG was, had held MG through panic attacks before, and now _he_ was the cause of it. "Baby, please, talk to me?"

The words wouldn't come. They couldn't. 

Kaleb turned and left. 

He was vaguely aware of MG's voice somewhere behind him, but his mind was on autopilot as he vamp-walked back to his own room. He shut and locked the door behind him. As he did so, his phone started buzzing in his pocket. A glance at the screen revealed several texts from MG. 

Kaleb shut his phone off. 

There was still a distant, cold feeling settled over his mind, like he wasn't totally synchronized with his body or surroundings. Kaleb was vaguely aware that his breathing was shallow and jagged, and that he had slowly sunk down until he was sitting on the floor. It felt like the air was too heavy, too dense for him to keep standing. 

Fuck, what had he done? There was no way he could face MG after this. All he could do was pray that MG was too drunk to remember the incident tomorrow, but he knew that was a long shot. If MG was sober enough to immediately back down when Kaleb froze up, he was sober enough to remember. Sober enough to question and pry and beg until Kaleb inevitably cracked and explained. And then surely, surely, he would leave Kaleb for someone better. 

Kaleb felt nauseous just thinking about it. 

Still on autopilot, Kaleb changed into sleepwear. He plugged his phone in and shut the blinds in his room, blocking out every bit of lamplight or moonlight from the outdoors. He curled up in the center of his bed and allowed the terrible, sinking feeling in his stomach to slowly consume him. 

Eventually, sleep overtook him. 


End file.
